Silence is a sound

Finished half a semester and nothing beats the final build up to a long awaited break. Though it’s just over a week, some time to just stop and breathe is always greatly appreciated. Accomplished a good number of things over the past few weeks despite the tiresome school schedule this semester. Caught the Brisbane queer film festival (highly highly recommend W imie and Freier Fall) and had the experience of watching among old gay men who waved over to each other from across the theatre like a gathering of old friends. Hit Gold Coast’s Whitewater world and plunged down The Wedgie one too many times, experimented with dinners and had the momentary vision to switch ambition to that of a hawker stall owner, suited up for the first time, caught a lunar eclipse for the second. 

Had a few unexpected conversations, attempted reconciliations and a text I had waited years for. Some of these conversations left me wanting to curl up in a ball and never think about anything ever again, others left me open, gaping and wanting more. 

I am also still wondering where to draw the line between let’s give this a little more time and too much time has passed it’s time to do something about this or let it disappear forever. Sometimes it’s not so much a choice, and perhaps letting it go is the only way of retaining the beauty of its past. Who really knows?

Anyhow, hello again, Sydney. Thank you for the much needed break. 

image

Once you lose someone, it is never exactly the same person who comes back.

—Sharon Olds, Satan Says (via c-oquetry)

(Source: boooby-hill, via eletheowl)

"Dear Catherine, I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I’m sorry for that. I’ll always love you ‘cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I’m grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I’m sending you love. You’re my friend to the end. Love, Theodore."

"Dear Catherine, I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I’m sorry for that. I’ll always love you ‘cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I’m grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I’m sending you love. You’re my friend to the end. Love, Theodore."

(Source: thatssokalei)

I wanted to tell you everything. And that hurt because some things were too scary. Some things even I didn’t understand.

—Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why (via loveless-people)

(via eletheowl)

heartrate:

i found my old journal2013, july;"final entry,she is home.”2014, january;"i ripped these poems out as rough as you ripped me from your life, i fucking hate how you keep the stars glowing and the oxygen flowing, i did it without even flinching don’t you dare tell me you never felt anything, don’t you fucking dare, i loved you more than the sea loved the shore and you tore me away like a gorgeous fucking drought."

heartrate:

i found my old journal

2013, july;
"final entry,
she is home.”

2014, january;
"i ripped these poems out as rough as you ripped me from your life, i fucking hate how you keep the stars glowing and the oxygen flowing, i did it without even flinching don’t you dare tell me you never felt anything, don’t you fucking dare, i loved you more than the sea loved the shore and you tore me away like a gorgeous fucking drought."

(via people-always-leave)

humansofnewyork:

"We’ve been on it for two years." “Did you do drugs before that?” “A line of coke at a party, every once in awhile we’d pop a couple Vicodin and watch TV. But we had normal lives. She was an office administrator, I was a cook. Then I got hurt and got a prescription for some Oxycontins. And I gave a few to her. And before long we were crushing them up and snorting them. Then we started doing heroin cause it was cheaper. It’s the same thing, really, as the Oxycontins. Just cheaper.”  “What’s it feel like when you stop doing heroin?” “It’s like dying. And being reborn again. Your eyes keep crying and your nose keeps running and you’ve got cold sweats. And for like 4 days you’re flopping around and can’t get comfortable, so you can’t sleep for days so you start thinking crazy and seeing things. And if you can make it through those four days without getting a bag of dope, then you come out the other side so exhausted you can’t move. If you’re lucky you can get some methadone from a clinic, but that’s even more addictive than the heroin.” “Would you say heroin has ruined your life?” “Absolutely.” “Do you mind if I share that?” “That’s fine. Just say one thing. Be sure to say that we really do love each other and we’re trying to fix our lives.”

humansofnewyork:

"We’ve been on it for two years."
“Did you do drugs before that?”
“A line of coke at a party, every once in awhile we’d pop a couple Vicodin and watch TV. But we had normal lives. She was an office administrator, I was a cook. Then I got hurt and got a prescription for some Oxycontins. And I gave a few to her. And before long we were crushing them up and snorting them. Then we started doing heroin cause it was cheaper. It’s the same thing, really, as the Oxycontins. Just cheaper.”
“What’s it feel like when you stop doing heroin?”
“It’s like dying. And being reborn again. Your eyes keep crying and your nose keeps running and you’ve got cold sweats. And for like 4 days you’re flopping around and can’t get comfortable, so you can’t sleep for days so you start thinking crazy and seeing things. And if you can make it through those four days without getting a bag of dope, then you come out the other side so exhausted you can’t move. If you’re lucky you can get some methadone from a clinic, but that’s even more addictive than the heroin.”
“Would you say heroin has ruined your life?”
“Absolutely.”
“Do you mind if I share that?”
“That’s fine. Just say one thing. Be sure to say that we really do love each other and we’re trying to fix our lives.”

(via little-audrey)